22 Things Being A Parent Has Taught Me

This time last year I wrote a post titled “21 Things Being A Parent Has Taught Me.” As the time approached this year, I questioned whether to add anything to it or to let it rest in the archives. After all, I don’t want to be guilty of continuing to update every year: 25 things…35 things…50 things! Well, you get the idea. But this year will mark major milestones in my 22 years of parenting. In the next five weeks, I will be the mother of a college graduate who will then be an RN and a married woman. And I’ll be a mother-in-law! How can so much change in a short 22 years? 😉 I didn’t really change the post much from last year. I just squeezed in an extra number. Feel free to get back with me to share some of the lessons that parenting has taught you.


Today it’s official: I’ve been a parent for 21 22 years! From first steps to first day of school, first car to college, first apartment to soon-to-be-married… I have very few regrets. I haven’t done it all perfectly but here we are: not in jail, still speaking to each other, more good times than bad, and we even like each other. Isn’t that successful parenting? I’m sure the title could read 21,000 things being a parent has taught me but I’ve narrowed it down.

  1. It’s not all about me. Oh, if everyone in the world could recognize that truth at the same moment how different the news headlines img_9638would read! Most women really embrace this truth about the time they feel the first tiny movements inside. How much more apparent it becomes with midnight feedings, a hundred loads of laundry, and a thousand diaper changes. It’s even more evident when big brown eyes look into yours and tiny fingers hold your heart.
  2. It’s not all about my children either. What a harsh realization when you discover that not everyone thinks your child is the center of the universe! This seems particularly apparent in the midst of play-dates and 4 year old soccer games. While you love your children and think they’re the best artists and athletes and scholars, sometimes other parents give their own children those titles as well. Teach them balance, respect, personal responsibility, and healthy pride in accomplishment.
  3. My heart is bigger than I thought. It was bittersweet when I first felt the deep pangs of parental love. Not that love for my own children was painful, but I suddenly became aware of all the people in the world, especially those that had never been loved as I loved my own. I saw people very differently. Either they were loved deeply and deserved my love and respect; or they had been denied that deep, unconditional love and protection and merited my compassion. The depth of that loss changed the way I viewed people in their pain and messiness.
  4. How to be brave. Noises in the night, scary looking insects, bad dreams, bad guys, and bullies can all seem overwhelming. What better way to overcome those fears than to become a fearless champion, knowing little eyes are watching? What about bigger fears? Sickness, stitches, broken bones, and bruised hearts? Parenting is not for the weak or the faint-of-heart.
  5. Spiders won’t kill me. Okay, this one should probably fall under the how to be brave category, but it was such a victory that it deserved its own bullet point. Enough said.
  6. I can’t stop all the pain. From lost stuffed animals, being left out of friendship circles, not making the team, to the death of pets and people, the sting and sadness of rejection and disappointment cannot be avoided. While I can’t stop it, dress it up, or discount it, I’m called and equipped to walk through it, providing support, encouragement, and hope along the way.
  7. The importance of presence. Availability. Attention. Acknowledgement. Who hasn’t noticed the eager eyes of children as they searched for a parent at a ballgame, a performance, or a school program? A field trip, a day of shopping, a quiet lunch for two? A funny movie on the couch?  When you are truly img_9630present, you are better able to really see, hear, learn, and know your children. You’re not only their greatest cheerleader; you also become a shepherd of their heart.
  8. Words are really important. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Speak life, truth, and encouragement. Tell them you love them, are proud of them, and are always available.
  9. How to say I’m sorry.  I messed up. I was wrong. Please forgive me. A little humility and humanity encourages grace and mercy. It says you can own your shortcomings and it models good communication and responsibility.
  10. Let go of guilt. “I wish I had..I wish I  hadn’t..I should have..I shouldn’t have..if only… Home school, public school, other moms, other kids..What if I make the wrong decisions? What if my kids end up in counseling because of me?” Let it go. Do your best. Pick your battles. Say your prayers. Love your kids. Repeat.
  11. Stop comparison. Younger moms, thinner moms, cooler moms, moms with more money, more time, and more creativity… Who hasn’t felt the drive to compete, compare, or self-degrade? Your children were given to you, not your next door neighbor, the preacher, or the lady down the street. You are good enough, smart enough, brave enough, and just what they need.
  12. Always eat dinner around the table. Mealtime is always good. Why? We love to eat. We love to laugh. There’s something about sitting around in a circle that encourages conversation and accountability. No television, no video games, no phone. It’s a time to recount events of the day, plan future events, and ask lots of questions.
  13. Cereal is okay for supper. It’s fortified with essential vitamins and grains. It’s cheap. It’s easy. Knowing that so many people in the world go to bed hungry, there is no condemnation in Frosted Flakes. Or pop tarts. 🙂
  14. Stepping over piles of clothes counts as exercise. So does walking around aimlessly, running in circles, and going the distance. Patience takes practice so that’s also a sport. Hiding in the bathroom counts as a cool-down routine.  🙂
  15. The car is a great classroom. It’s quiet. It’s confined. img_9636They can’t escape. The greatest lessons don’t happen in the classroom, but in the day to day moments of life when you can teach, share, and create real life and relationship. Believe it or not, they are listening.
  16. Make bedtime the best time. They’re tired. They’re vulnerable. They’ll open their hearts just to stay awake and to spend a few more minutes with you in the quiet darkness. What a sweet time to snuggle, to pray, and to listen to their hearts, dreams, and details of the day. It can be the great eraser of an awful, no good, very bad day.
  17. Take lots of pictures. There was no Facebook or Instagram when my children were little. Milestones and memories were captured in 4×6 glossy images in frames or behind plastic sheets. What seemed like too many at theimg_9635 time have proven to be never enough, but still offer glimpses into life and love and living.
  18. How to appreciate good art. Who needs expensive oils, French impressionists, and murky watercolors when hand-scribbled notes, finger-paints, play-doh shapes, fingerprint faces, and reindeer made of footprints can adorn walls and refrigerators?
  19. Laughing is the best. It reduces tension, stress hormones, and the need to hit something. Create inside jokes so no one else understands and you seem weird to other people.
  20. Remember to invest. Children are a treasure, a blessing from the Lord. Each season is to be savored and captured in word, photo, laughter, and experiencing each moment to the fullest measure. But…part of our investment is in teaching children to grow, stand, walk, move on, and create their own journeys. Then what’s left besides the memories, photographs, and holiday visits? What of the other relationships? The other investments? The spouse, the deep friendships, the knowledge and care of self, the spiritual growth that is left to explore and experience after the children marry, move, or follow their own paths? Cherish, but don’t idolize your children, as you make investments in other lifelong, life-changing relationships.
  21. Be consistent and reliable. (Not perfect) As their parent, coach, cheerleader, and advocate. Then you will have a friend for the rest of your life.
  22. How to let go. It starts the first time you leave them at daycare, with a relative, or a babysitter. It intensifies with the first “no” or “I can do it by myself”.  Then  classroom, camp, a car, college, marriage, moving away. There is beauty in freedom, success in standing alone, amazement as they fly. After all, they were only yours for a little while.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverb 22:6

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Children are a heritage from the Lordoffspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior  are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them    Ps 127:3-5

A Time To Grieve: Reflections on Julie Hunt’s “I’m About To Get Up”

King Solomon said it best:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance…  Ecc 3:1-4

As long as we remain travelers in this weary world, there will always be pain, loss, tears, injustice, and moments our brains can’t understand or reconcile to what seems logical, good, fair, or expected. Why do children get cancer, brothers kill brothers, families disintegrate, or people lose hope and succumb to addiction and death? Why do clouds of hopelessness and despair obscure our vision, interrupt our plans, darken our days, challenge our beliefs, and steal our joy? Why do loving, faithful dads, husbands, and plans for the future get swept away in the blink of an eye and the sudden flash of a rainy day?  More important than the struggle with the “whys,” is who we know, what we do, and where do we go with the broken pieces and unanswered questions.

In her newly release book, I’m about To Get Up, Julie Hunt shares her story of loss, suffering, questions, recovery of hope, and restoration of peace. The full title of the book is I’m About to Get Up! (Persevering Through Loss & Grief)  On some level, we have all experienced loss; but what does it look like to persevere through grief and loss? What exactly is grief?

grief   

noun
1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause of occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
Strong words: suffering, distress, loss, sorrow.
Julie provides a vivid word picture of how grief sometimes operates in our lives : “Grief puts the mind in such a fragile place. It feels like being on the edge of a great cliff, img_3066mostly teetering to the point that one false move, or a sigh, or leaning in the wrong direction and… woosh! You’re gone, fallen, it’s over, never to return to sanity or reality again. Just gone.”*
Wow! Ever been there? Teetering on the edge of a breakdown… or maybe a breakthrough? A place where your body is weary, your brain in is on autopilot, and your own thoughts betray you? Your emotions may be fragile and tender..or hardened and numb?
Jesus wept. Jesus also cracked whips and turned over tables. He shared uplifting times with friends. He withdrew from the crowd and prayed in solitude. Meek and mild or mean and wild, there’s no denying that Jesus felt and expressed the same raw human emotions that we experience. He grieved deeply with and for people in their emptiness and loss: When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Mt 9:36)  He modeled a full range of emotional responses to harassment and hurt, and He extended mercy, grace, and compassion. Never did He shame people for their sin or hurt.
 What is your pain point? Where does the enemy feed you a lie that you take on, nourish, and accept as truth? Be on guard, because every time you listen to the lie, entertain and feed on it, it turns on you and begins to feed on you. *
 That’s a great question: What is your pain point? Identification and acknowledgment are the key as we prepare to wage any battle.
 ..Hurts we try to deny or hide away have a way of making themselves known. *
Personal pain can be so unpredictable that it can make the folks walking the path of grief with you uncomfortable. *
Using contemporary narrative blended with pages from her journal, Julie chronicles her own grief journey during the months that followed her husband’s unexpected death. Peaceful, faith-filled moments clashed with numbness, anger, confusion, loneliness, and questionable expectations in the days following the tragic news. While surrounded by loving, supportive friends and family, there were also obstacles, confrontations, and unknowns that made her question her ability to navigate the grief road she found herself traveling.
Ever tell yourself, I should be over this by now, others have had worse, or I shouldn’t be ______?
 
Shame can twist your thoughts and tie you up in knots very quickly. I could be a strong, godly woman, trusting and believing in God one moment. And then, minutes later, a thought , a word, a phone call, or a picture could draw me back into the doubt, despair, and hopelessness I knew so well. *
 img_3102“I was miserable, hurting, and facing a choice: continue living in the pit with the lies and pain, or start climbing out.”*
While identifying and acknowledging the grief in our hard places are the first steps toward admitting that we need healing; choosing our steps and direction is often the first step out of those dark places.
“…I started paying better attention to those longings of my heart, those areas that I needed to get unstuck, so I could make efforts to move on.”*
“…I began to unravel the tightly woven garment I had constructed to keep my pain out and a shoddy form of survival in.”*
The book is rich with interesting personal narrative that pulls you into Julie’s inner circle and makes you feel like her friend and cheerleader. She honestly shares her struggles, questions, and doubts and emphasizes the importance of a strong support system and ever-seeking, ever-increasing faith in a God who knows, sees, and cares. She then finishes her story with practical advice and encouragement for anyone who finds themselves currently walking, or revisiting, the long rocky path of grief.  Reflecting back on her own journey, she recognized and admitted her pain, found others to walk the road of suffering with her, and ultimately chose to walk out the path of healing by trusting and resting in the divine Healer for her comfort and restoration.
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Each day took tremendous courage and resolute determination, believing that in every moment God is bigger than my loss, my pain, or my disappointment.
So while we may not always understand suffering, we are assured that we will have trouble in this life, but that we don’t have to walk the road of suffering alone.
Through the prophet Isaiah, God said: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways…As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Is 55:8-9
 
He also said: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.  Is 43:2-3
Yes, King Solomon was wise. There is a time for everything: a time to be born and to live, really live, before you die. A time to plant kindness, love, and hope. A time to uproot bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, and strife. A time to tear down and kill the toxic emotions, activities, and reactions that battle for your emotional and spiritual well-being as you build up your faith and friendships. A time to heal the hurts by taking time to weep and mourn to represent and experience the significance of loss; but in season, to laugh with new promises of hope and to dance with the joy of life and a new day.
 Maybe another way of saying I’m About To Get Up! is this:
“Arise [from spiritual depression to a new life], shine [be radiant with the glory and brilliance of the Lord]; for your light has come, And the glory and brilliance of the Lord has risen upon you.”  Isaiah 60:1 Amp
*quotations from Julie Hunt, I’m About To Get Up!  
#ImAboutToGetUp!
thejuliehunt.com

Heartstrings

I didn’t realize how much I liked violin music untild9fwnzushr0-adamara earlier this week. Literally…three days ago when the vibrant chords of Hallelujah awoke a quiet, slumbering place in my soul.

Fiddle…that’s what I had always called it; and my limited experience with the funny looking instrument had primarily consisted of the roar and excitement associated with group renditions of Rocky Top and the familiar southern twang of The Devil Went Down to Georgia. But I found the gentle, rhythmic chords stroked with precision by the gifted artist, the violinist, to be both inspirational and soothing.

1 Samuel records the story of how young David skillfully played the stringed instrument and describes the soothing effects the music had on King Saul’s troubled mind. Was it merely the skillful plucking and strumming of the strings or was it a deeper work, resonating from the heart of God to the fingers of David to the heart, soul, and ears of Saul?

And whenever the harmful spirit from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him.   1 Sam 16:23

img_2707Refreshed and well. That’s a good description of how I felt as I found more and more hymns played masterfully by various violinists. My son might even report that I danced around the kitchen. Just a little. The formerly deaf place inside hungered for the audible art that fed the precisely shaped hole that the music seemed to fill so completely. I was amazed at the number of hymns I found that were predominantly accompanied by the violin: Amazing Grace, Come Thou Fount, It Is Well With My Soul, Blessed Assurance… All my favorites! All were beautiful. All were soothing. The more I basked in the stringed harmony, the more I realized that the instrumental versions were like a timely gift of medicine for my soul. The violin played center stage and I simply let my spirit voice the words.

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.  Psalm 119:11

Okay, so hymns aren’t scripture, but as the words of the old hymns flowed so freely from my mind and heart, it reminded me of the importance of knowing: Knowing encouraging, soul-edifying words. Knowing the Word. Knowing the Truth. Knowing ways to nourish and uplift your spirit. Knowing how to soothe a troubled mind or weary heart.

God uses scripture, music, people, nature, circumstances, dreams, visions, and countless other ways to get our attention,to  speak to us, to encourage us, to transform us, to heal us, and to equip us. This week He used a violin.

I probably won’t be attending the symphony any time soon. My kitchen will be my dance floor, my phone speakers my instrument, my heart my voice. But Hallelujah is still playing in the background, I am a captive audience, and I will choose to hear each beautiful strum as preparation for a deeper work in the deepest places. And I will sing.

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He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD Psalm 40:3 NLT


Expectation

expectation

[ek-spek-tey-shuh n]

noun

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

*     *     *     *     *     *

I sat in on a children’s Christmas program this week. img_2590The children squirmed, smiled, and waved at their watching family and friends as they filed onto the stage and found their places. Excitement was in the air, eyes were wide, and ears were tuned to every sound, sign, and motion from their instructor as they awaited the first notes signaling the grand production. While two little girls alternated singing the first lines of Silent Night, my attention was drawn to a little girl on the front row, maybe six or seven, long brown hair, snaggle toothed, swaying on tippy toes, and eager for just the right moment: her moment. Her smile was exaggerated and frozen, plastered on, probably coached and rehearsed ahead of time by an excited, expectant parent. She was a cute little brown-haired, brown-eyed girl but I had the impression that she would someday be a beautiful young woman…with a big, beautiful smile. I watched her waiting, anticipating. As the older girls finished their solo lines, the music crescendoed and the entire children’s choir erupted in glorious song. It was beautiful. She was perfect, the little brown-haired girl. She was practiced, prepared, and recognized all the sounds and cues.

*     *     *     *     *     *

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Isaiah 9:6

It’s the season of Advent: a time of waiting and expectation leading up to the birth of Christ. I’ve never studied Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic; but I did study Latin. My distant memories of high school Latin class remind me that “ad” means “to” and “venio” means “to come”.  Advent represents God “coming to us.” IMG_7263For hundreds of years, God’s people had heard the prophecies concerning the coming Messiah. They had years to practice, to watch, to tune their ears, to stand on tippy toes, swaying and waiting to sing and celebrate.

Hope, love, joy, and peace. Four pillars pointing to the coming of Christ.

Today I choose to think about the hope that Jesus gives us:

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…   Hebrews 6:19

The world needs hope. Poverty, crime, depression, abuse, addiction, disease, rejection, dishonesty, hatred, strife, war, and despair seem more the norm than the exception in img_2592many lives. The New York Times recently reported that the suicide rate is at a thirty year high. The primary cause? Hopelessness. When we light the first candle of Advent, it is not to say that we have all the answers, that we have no problems, or that we have it all figured out. It is to say that we have hope. A light in the darkness. A flame burning bright. Warmth in the cold.

 

Therefore we have hope, light in the darkness, that God came to a cold, dark world. We are not alone. He is Immanuel, “God with us.” He is with us now. And as we light the candle representing the hope of his coming, we recognize that we are also looking forward to the new Advent. He is coming again. Wait expectantly.

If you prepare your heart,
you will stretch out your hands toward him.
 If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away,
and let not injustice dwell in your tents.
Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish;
you will be secure and will not fear.
You will forget your misery;
you will remember it as waters that have passed away.
And your life will be brighter than the noonday;
its darkness will be like the morning.
And you will feel secure, because there is hope;
you will look around and take your rest in security.
You will lie down, and none will make you afraid;
many will court your favor.
But the eyes of the wicked will fail;
all way of escape will be lost to them,
and their hope is to breathe their last.  Job 11:13-20

 

 

“I Just Want To Be Heard”

Inspiration can be found many places: long sandy beaches, adirondack-001beautiful sunsets, rugged hiking trails, beautiful waterfalls, and countless other places. While I enjoy spending time and seeking relaxation in all these places, I sometimes find myself distracted by sights, sounds, people, activities and various plans of the day. Too often I let busyness steal my peace and drown out quiet time, inspiration, and God’s voice.

I heard a voice recently. I woke around 3:00 a.m. and sensed it was a stirring and gentle awakening from the Lord, so I prayed, then paused. I often find that my ears are most attentive in the middle of the night when all is quiet, there are no other distractions, and nothing remains to check off my daily to-do list. As I waited in the darkness and silence, my little dog seemed to sense my unrest. She sighed and snuggled a little closer. She’s usually an avid barker- a nuisance, really. Birds, squirrels, the doorbell, people img_1347-1walking down the street, the vacuum, a sudden movement…Just about anything can start her barking, grumbling, and complaining.  Not really sure why my mind chased that thought, but I heard myself asking “Mitzi, why do you bark so much?” She didn’t respond audibly, but immediately and clearly I heard “I just want to be heard.”  No, I didn’t hallucinate and my dog isn’t particularly gifted, but at that moment, the phrase was as clear to me as the numbers on my bedside clock contrasted against the darkness of the night. “I just want to be heard.” The meaning of that simple phrase immediately unfolded like a Sunday school lesson right there in the middle of the night. God used that silly little encounter to bring to mind three distinct scriptures.

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. (Ps 32:3)

Medical and psychological research has shown that if anger, hurt, hostility, resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness are buried, unspoken, and unresolved, they can cause multiple physical and emotional symptoms and serious health problems, as well as spiritual struggles.  King David found healing in breaking the silence:

Ps 32: 5-7 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

The second scripture He brought to mind was Jeremiah 33:3:

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

“Call to me.” That could stir many different feelings and reactions. What does that stir in you: great relief or apprehension?  Hope or doubt? To me it offers an answer and a hope: Healing, revelation, resolution, restoration. Great and unsearchable things. Truths, answers, solutions, comforts, reassurances. What do you need to ask? It says He will hear. He will answer.

Finally,

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. (Rev 12:11)

Someone needs to hear. Isn’t that part of the reason for a testimony? Earlier verse 10 states:

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.  They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.

Just as my dog barks to defend her territory or ward off intruders, we also need to speak against the enemy. We need to speak God’s truth and promises. We need to tell others about our hope and his faithfulness. The NKJV translates “They triumphed” as “They overcame.” I like that.

As I considered how much we have to share, as well as what we can learn from other img_1346people’s lives, experiences, mistakes, and victories, it reminded me of a necklace I bought a few years ago. When I saw and ordered the pendant, I had no idea how the chain looked. It’s bold and looks like it should be in a bad music video or cheap jewelry commercial. It’s rather ugly. It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s pretty complicated. But I love the pendant. It has a classic, vintage feel, an old fashion typewriter, and the words “tell your story.”  Rather ironic the more I’ve thought about it:  big, ugly, heavy, complicated. Sound familiar? We all have bits of our story that fit that description: big, ugly, heavy, complicated. But the pendant is beautiful and fits just right. So are our stories: beautiful and just the right fit for just the right person.

 

So, a few questions:

Do you want to be heard?   (Sometimes, not so much.)

Do you need to be heard?   (Many times, yes.)

Does someone need to hear what you have to say?  (More often than you might think.)

What you have to say matters. Someone needs to hear it.

I know that can sound intimidating, overwhelming, or just plain scary.  I attend a Friday bible study and was recently given a testimony worksheet. It basically asked:

  1. Before Christ I lived and thought this way:
  2. After I received Christ, these changes took place:

Before. After. Ultimately the basic question is this: Who are you? Really? Not who does the world say you are, what labels others have put on you, or what hat do you wear to cover yourself or impress people in different circumstances. At the end of the day, or at 3 in the morning, what do you hear. What do you need to say?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made, drseuss
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

(Tenth Avenue North, You are More)

 

Remember…

I wrote this little post last year for Memorial Day. As the day has come around again this year, I don’t really have much more to say. With all the turmoil and division our country is facing, there is still nowhere else I would rather call home. I’m thankful for all the men and women who have sacrificed their lives to make freedom possible.

mysteriesofgrace

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Memorial Day… What does it mean to remember?

. Is it more than a day off work, a picnic in the park, time together with friends, the beginning of Summer, a day at the pool, and some good food on the grill?Arlingtonandoldpic 011

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

I grew up in an Army town. Young men with crew cuts, tattoos, fast cars, and fast lives were ever-changing parts of the backdrop. Seemingly ordinary lives and faces, they were such an familiar part of daily living that I failed to see the glory and sacrifice played out in everyday scenery. I was totally unaware of the tremendous sacrifice and the risks involved in being a soldier. I failed to understand the scope of service and…

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21 Things Being A Parent Has Taught Me

Today it’s official: I’ve been a parent for twenty one years! From first steps to first day of school, first car to college, first apartment to soon-to-be married… I have very few regrets. I haven’t done it all perfectly but here we are: not in jail, still speaking to each other, more good times than bad. Isn’t that successful parenting? I’m sure the title could read 21,000 things being a parent has taught me but I’ve narrowed it down.

  1. It’s not all about me. Oh, if everyone in the world could recognize that truth at the same moment how different the news headlines would read! Most women really embrace this truth about the time they feel the img_9638first tiny movements inside. How much more apparent it becomes with midnight feedings, a hundred loads of laundry, and a thousand diaper changes. It’s even more evident when big brown eyes look into yours and tiny fingers hold your heart.
  2. It’s not all about my children either. What a harsh realization when you discover that not everyone thinks your child is the center of the universe! This seems particularly apparent in the midst of play-dates and four year old soccer games. While you love your children and think they’re the best artists and athletes and scholars, sometimes other parents give their own children those titles as well. Teach them balance, respect, personal responsibility, and healthy pride in accomplishment.
  3. My heart is bigger than I thought. It was bittersweet when I first felt the deep pangs of parental love. Not that love for my own children was painful, but I suddenly became aware of all the people in the world, especially those that had never been loved as I loved my own. I saw people very differently. Either they were loved deeply and deserved my love and respect; or they had been denied that deep, unconditional love and protection and merited my compassion. The depth of that loss changed the way I viewed people in their pain and messiness.
  4. How to be brave. Noises in the night, scary looking insects, bad dreams, bad guys, and bullies can all seem overwhelming. What better way to overcome those fears than to become a fearless champion, knowing little eyes are watching? What about bigger fears? Sickness, stitches, broken bones, and bruised hearts? Parenting is not for the weak or the faint-of-heart.
  5. Spiders won’t kill me. Okay, this one should probably fall under the how to be brave category, but it was such a victory that it deserved its own bullet point. Enough said.
  6. I can’t stop all the pain. From lost stuffed animals, being left out of friendship circles, not making the team, to the death of pets and people, the sting and sadness of rejection and disappointment cannot be avoided. While I can’t stop it, dress it up, or discount it, I’m called and equipped to walk through it, providing support, encouragement, and hope along the way.
  7. The importance of presence. Availability. Attention. Acknowledgement. Who hasn’t noticed the eager eyes of children as they searched for a parent at a ballgame, a performance, or a school program? A field trip, a day of shopping, a quiet lunch for two? A funny movie on the couch?  When you are truly img_9630present, you are better able to really see, hear, learn, and know your children. You’re not only their greatest cheerleader; you also become a shepherd of their heart.
  8. Words are really important. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Speak life, truth, and encouragement. Tell them you love them, are proud of them, and are always available.
  9. How to say I’m sorry.  I messed up. I was wrong. Please forgive me. A little humility and humanity encourages grace and mercy. It says you can own your shortcomings and it models good communication and responsibility.
  10. Let go of guilt. “I wish I had..I wish I  hadn’t..I should have..I shouldn’t have..if only… Home school, public school, other moms, other kids..What if I make the wrong decisions? What if my kids end up in counseling because of me?” Let it go. Do your best. Pick your battles. Say your prayers. Love your kids. Repeat.
  11. Stop comparison. Younger moms, thinner moms, cooler moms, moms with more money, more time, and more creativity… Who hasn’t felt the drive to compete, compare, or self-degrade? Your children were given to you, not your next door neighbor, the preacher, or the lady down the street. You are good enough, smart enough, brave enough, and just what they need.
  12. Always eat dinner around the table. Mealtime is always good. Why? We love to eat. We love to laugh. There’s something about sitting around in a circle that encourages conversation and accountability. No television, no video games, no phone. It’s a time to recount events of the day, plan future events, and ask lots of questions.
  13. Cereal is okay for supper. It’s fortified with essential vitamins and grains. It’s cheap. It’s easy. Knowing that so many people in the world go to bed hungry, there is no condemnation in Frosted Flakes. Or pop tarts. 🙂
  14. Stepping over piles of clothes counts as exercise. So does walking around aimlessly, running in circles, and going the distance. Patience takes practice so that’s also a sport. Hiding in the bathroom counts as a cool-down routine.  🙂
  15. The car is a great classroom. It’s quiet. It’s confined. img_9636They can’t escape. The greatest lessons don’t happen in the classroom, but in the day to day moments of life when you can teach, share, and create real life and relationship. Believe it or not, they are listening.
  16. Make bedtime the best time. They’re tired. They’re vulnerable. They’ll open their hearts just to stay awake and to spend a few more minutes with you in the quiet darkness. What a sweet time to snuggle, to pray, and to listen to their hearts, dreams, and details of the day. It can be the great eraser of an awful, no good, very bad day.
  17. Take lots of pictures. There was no Facebook or Instagram when my children were little. Milestones and memories were captured in 4×6 glossy images in frames or behind plastic sheets. What seemed like too many at theimg_9635 time have proven to be never enough, but still offer glimpses into life and love and living.
  18. How to appreciate good art. Who needs expensive oils, French impressionists, and murky watercolors when hand-scribbled notes, finger-paints, play-doh shapes, fingerprint faces, and reindeer made of footprints can adorn walls and refrigerators?
  19. Laughing is the best. It reduces tension, stress hormones, and the need to hit something. Create inside jokes so no one else understands and you seem weird to other people.
  20. Remember to invest. Children are a treasure, a blessing from the Lord. Each season is to be savored and captured in word, photo, laughter, and experiencing each moment to the fullest measure. But…part of our investment is in teaching children to grow, stand, walk, move on, and create their own journeys. Then what’s left besides the memories, photographs, and holiday visits? What of the other relationships? The other investments? The spouse, the deep friendships, the knowledge and care of self, the spiritual growth that is left to explore and experience after the children marry, move, or follow their own paths? Cherish, but don’t idolize your children, as you make investments in other lifelong, life-changing relationships.
  21. How to let go. It starts the first time you leave them at daycare, with a relative, or a babysitter. It intensifies with the first “no” or “I can do it by myself”.  Then  classroom, camp, a car, college, marriage, moving away. There is beauty in freedom, success in standing alone, amazement as they fly. After all, they were only yours for a little while.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverb 22:6

 

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Children are a heritage from the Lordoffspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior  are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them    Ps 127:3-5